3.9.15

Home: A Picture less Essay

Death has a way of waking my senses and clearing my blurred vision.  You are probably wondering why my post about Burma would start with death.  Well, it is because death was on my mind as I packed our clothes, as we flew across the continents, and as I stepped out of the plane and inhaled the sweet smell of home.  Two days before we left for Burma, I got the news that my eldest aunt, my mother's oldest sister, has passed away unexpectedly.  I found myself in a dark moment of deja vu.  It has been eight years since I have been back home and how much I have missed out on people's lives.  I have missed out on their laughter, their tears of joy, their moments of sadness.  It has always been my fear that one day I would wake up and they would just be gone.  I would no longer be able to give them my bear hugs and to smell their skins and to truly look at their faces and to breathe them in.

Once many moons ago, I flew across the oceans with death on my mind.  It was the first time I came home since I had left a few years before.  I was a lost child.  I breathed but wasn't living.  I looked but wasn't seeing.  Home sickness had taken over my sixteen years old self and I was filled with so much sadness and resentment.  As I inched closer and closer to home, the realization that my dear aunt was dying with cancer kept getting bigger and bigger.  The only image I had of her was beautiful.  She was one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen and she was proud.  I will always remember the first time I walked into her hospital room.  There she was...asleep on her hospital bed...so tiny and just bones and skin.  She was not my aunt.  I stood by the door...not moving but just staring.  The clock in the room ticked too loudly.  I could hear a faint sound of a lizard somewhere in the room.  This was not my aunt.  Not my beautiful and proud aunt.  She opened her eyes and reached out to me.  She smiled like she wasn't dying...the kind of smile that make you dizzy with happiness.  She called my name...a faint sound.  She kissed my hand and put it against her hollow cheek.  I cried then...deep sobbing cries.  I cried for a very long time.  I cried for her.  I cried for me.  There we were.  One's living and one's dying.  I was alive yet I wasn't truly living.  I was fading...I was letting go.  There she was..dying yet truly living.  She was smiling and her eyes were as bright as the sunniest of days.  She said she wasn't afraid of dying because she lived.  She loved and was loved.  She told me to come home.  I told her there is nothing in the world I want more than to be home...to feel like I belonged somewhere.  Then she did something that would changed the course of my life.  She lifted up her fragile hand, covered with tubes, and placed it on my heart.  She said, come home.  If you are home, here, no matter where you are or how far away you are from your people, you will always be home.  Home is the blood that run through you.  Home is the history of your people that made you who you are.  Home is every piece of memory that you hold onto to create the story of your life.  You belonged no matter where you are.  My beautiful aunt wasn't afraid of death because she was home..truly home.  It mattered not how short her life was or who was surrounding her at her death bed.  It mattered that she was so content with how she lived her life and she was one with herself.

So as I made my journey back to Burma with death on my mind, I didn't question whether I belonged anywhere or where home was.  I simply thought about how these strong women of mine lived their lives so fully and so contently.  I thought about how death has a way of showing you light.  I thought about no matter how long or short my aunts were in my life, the love they had for me and I had for them is constant.  It is never ending and simply exist without time restraints.  I was reminded to truly live by being back in the place where so many pieces of my life were created.  I was reminded to come home.


Love,
Victoria

13 comments:

  1. Victoria, I am sorry for your loss. Take care and I hope you find peace while at home with your family. Safe return.

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  2. This is an amazing and powerful post, Victoria. You express yourself and your thoughts and heartfelt feelings so very well.

    I am so, so sorry for your loss-your aunt sounds like she was an extraordinary woman. You are fortunate to have had her in your life.

    Jane x

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  3. Victoria this was a very emotional share, very poignant. Yes home is where are heart finds joy but now your great aunt has returned to everyone's true home of peace. Living life fully is sometimes referred to as living in the dash. You may understand this better if you think of the year someone was born and the year they died - it doesn't matter how long their life really amounted to, it matters how well they loved and was loved in the years of the dash. It sounds like your great aunt lived her dash fully and joyfully. I am sorry for your loss but through loss we find our inner strength. Be well Victoria remember the powerful message your great aunt gave you, teach it to your daughters, love and be loved. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Love,
    Vera

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  4. This is really beautiful, Victoria. It is so difficult to lose the people we love. I think you have been very blessed with love in your family, and it shines through in you. Thinking of you now.

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  5. You're an amazing writer, just amazing. So powerful. Crying like a baby over here, just what I needed to hear today. Was feeling so lost and alone after another move and a new place that I didn't choose, I now feel inspired to go on trying again, by your aunt, via you, with words spoken years ago half a world away. Thank you dearie.

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  6. So beautiful Victoria. Your Aunt's parting words are so true. Being loved and feeling love is what life long or short is about. So glad you felt that wonderful love and feel it in your heart.
    Kris

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  7. Roots grow deep in your family, and death is a hard word to swallow my dear. Happy to see you home and all the living you will be doing. Sad words I hear from your heart that pulls you in both directions of a life lived in two homes, there and here.
    Find comfort that family roots grow deep near or far.

    Beautifully touching post Victoria.
    Love that you are home so we can share in all you create... I am working on an armoire that will end up in my front room, would love to do a great French colour to it, but will stay with my faded washed tones of naturals.

    Will share soon.

    Xx
    Dore

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  8. Very beautifully written. Your aunt eloquently expressed what I have been feeling for the last few years, as my family members pass on, one by one. I had a hard time "coming home" when I had to move back to Alabama about 22 years ago because my mother needed me. It took a long time to make peace with it, but as these last of the old people have died in the last 3 or 4 years, I find that I understand so well what you have written: "Home is the blood that run through you. Home is the history of your people that made you who you are. Home is every piece of memory that you hold onto to create the story of your life."

    Very beautiful.

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  9. This is such a personal and heartfelt post Victoria. I can almost feel your sadness and pain from here. It is especially difficult for those of us who have to live far from home. We often miss those very precious family moments and relatives that we love so dearly. You have very precious memories of your dear aunt and your beloved home that I know will live in your heart forever.

    Remember them proudly and smile each time a special memory comes to mind. Your girls and you are the next generation of strong and content women in your family. My sincere condolences for your loss Victoria.

    Janet

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  10. She was a wise and beautiful woman, and she gave you a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us. xoxo Su

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  11. She was a wise and beautiful woman, and she gave you a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us. xoxo Su

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss. You express yourself and your thoughts and heartfelt feelings so very well. So glad you felt that wonderful love and feel it in your heart. Thank you for sharing.

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